Rantings and Praise

Father's Day ♥

2011-06-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

"The greatest gift I ever had came from God, and I call him Dad! "
-- Anonymous

On this Fathers Day wish I could say that my father is the greatest gift I have ever received. I can't , but I can say the greatest gift I have ever received came from God. The greatest gift given to me was His son and the second greatest gift was my wonderful husband. Then the gifts just start adding up including my children. I am pretty darned gifted!! My father was certainly a gift but one with many blessings, challenges, rewards and hardships all wrapped into one.

You may hear me rant and rave about my mother, writing poems about missing her, or wanting her to see what God has done with my life. I would like her proud of me. She died when I was young and she was sick most of my life. She was loved completely by my father and coddled well. In all my years I never heard them fight. Oh, it was a very abusive home, but never between the two of them. My mother was a wonderful artist but never much of a hugger. I don't remember any hugs, closeness or even one "I love you." She left behind many gifts and talents but no memories of loving or nurturing. One is taught to never speak ill of the dead and I try best not too. I try to speak truth and some find that too harsh.

My pops had some issues and I am grateful for all he had taught me in my youth. The love was always one sided. I am so grateful for all the gifts that I have and have no need to complain! My dad, which we called Daddy was always involved in our lives. He is an alcoholic (like me) and was a very functional drinker. He didn't remember much of what his days were filled with but he functioned well. We were water-skiing, snow skiing, horseback riding since I was about 7 or so. We were camping, traveling, playing, creating, ohhh and fishing (I love fishing.)

He loved crafts and taught me so many techniques of crafting.
He loved sports and coached us in many and taught us so well. He was a bit heavy handed and we excelled as a result.

My dad was such a wonderful musician, guitarist, vocalist. Oh how I swoon remembering his voice. He would gather with my mom, who would be sitting at the piano or organ and Grump (my grandpa, who was another amazing guitarist,) and play and sing for hours.

We were a very social family, involved in church events, pool parties and never spent the holidays alone. We were always surrounded by music, loud voices, laughter and partying.

I have brought so much into my today that was given to me by my father, and although it feels as if I am speaking of him in the past tense, he is still alive but all my memories are in the past.

I have been blessed. Sadly, there is torment, devastation and vile memories that come with the the trip down memory road. I have healed from their pain, thanks to the greatest gift from God, his son Jesus. The memory lane is still dotted with many markers of pain and suffering but they do not belong in my day, nor my future. I do not wish to shut the door on my past (I am writing a book!) but I learn from it, grow from it, highlight all that is good in it, heal from anything that pops up.

I love my dad, but it has been a one sided relationship for as long as I can remember.

God has shown me who I believe my father would want to be. I believe that his desire to be more like God shames him so and out of that comes behavior born from shame and fear. I have seen what God does in healing of men who have the same cycle. It is amazing to see a man riddled with shame become transformed by Grace! I have hopes of this for my father and I have evidence of it in my wonderful husband, the father of my children. I see it in my sons, who will be fathers someday.

Happy Fathers day Daddy.
Happy Fathers day Trace.
Happy Fathers day to all the Dads out there.

Be a father of Grace, be a son of forgiveness. Hug your children, and let them know they are loved. Heal from within so that you may love completely.

I love you.
shell

How shell? How?

2011-05-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

How shell? How?

That is the question that I have been hearing a lot lately. There is so much tragedy at this time.

"How do you smile? How do you remain loving? How shell? How on Earth do you "Keep the Faith?"
Well, let me first say that Cancer and Alcoholism are my faith challenges!

One of my dearest friends has colon cancer and the latest lab results were not what we wanted to hear. I love her so very much. She has surrounded herself with love and light and is a miracle, even in this struggle, she is an inspiration.
Another dear friend's cancer has slowed down and maybe "died." It seems to be a new phenomena that we are seeing with cancer these days. (My friend has refused all western medical treatments.)

We have many more friends facing this struggle and thankfully we are seeing survival!

I had a friend missing this past year, and just found out that she died in December. She died without any of us knowing, all alone. No one needs to be alone.

How shell? How on Earth do you "Keep the Faith?"

To those of you who asked me this lately; I am sorry that it took a few days to get back to you. I was busy pouting, having a temper tantrum, praying and then praying some more, until I could get an answer to give you.

God! He hears my prayers, He knows my name, and He loves me beyond my weakness. He raises me up, to be more than I can be.

How? How do I do it? By trial and error, and more error and more trials.

I look to my soon to be teenage son, who was having anxiety over the tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis and world wide tragedy. How can a God who loves little ol' me not take care of such great things?

Well, first we have to set our eyes on the things God has called us to:

..whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy-keep thinking about these things. Phil 4:8

This is not to say that we turn a blind eye to our own suffering or shield ourselves from others who are suffering. We need to be ready within ourselves, focusing on a power so much greater than ours, to be able to reach out past the insanity we live in. We need to find the peace that passes all understanding, filling our hearts with God's joy, which is our strength.
Then we can truly love one another and help those who need us, as we continue think on that which is good. Focusing on the solutions around us, not the problems.

We look for solutions to the ever present problems and I must honestly and humbly say, I have only one solution. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will come unto you."

shell? What about cancer? What about our children dying? shell? How do you do it?

I lost my mother (42) to cancer the month after I turned 18, but my incredible daughter was born the following year, I lost my first husband and his parents in my first month of sobriety from alcohol and drugs. They died of the same disease I was fighting. My story goes on, one tragedy after another, or so it seems, and I can focus on those things, yet they are not what sustains me today!! My experiences might benefit others but it is not in relating to them that I am of any help. It is in offering ways to live in the solution to these things, ahh, that is my goal.

It is in believing that all things work together towards a greater good, a goal, a plan, one that more often than not, I do not understand. I do trust in God, who has carried me through, who has given peace to even a mind like mine.

Master Plan/Lean Not -A song I recorded live 20 years ago!

To look at my life today, you would see that it is nothing like it once was, many would see how blessed I truly am, but it is because of what I choose to show you! I choose to show you the truth! That even with all of the pain and suffering, I am blessed beyond my wildest imagination.

Do I get everything I want? Ha not nearly, but praise God I don't get what I truly deserve. I am grateful for His peace in whatever we go through. Is it instantaneous? Oh, heck no..it is a process and one I work very hard at.

I do not do it alone! I am surrounded by good friends and family who help me, pray with me and remind me of that which is good, especially when it seems to be too dark. I must admit, that had to be a deliberate choice. I hadn't always chosen the most positive people to be around. The weeding out of the things that were choking the life right out of me has been a long journey and one I trudge daily.

I am currently writing a book about these things. It might be too heavy for many to read because I will be including all of the darkness, trials and tragedies so that others can truly comprehend the miracle that I am.

A miracle of God's!

Do I understand? No, but I believe.

Like I tell my son: Hun, You don't add the Nightly News to your "mix CD", nor the drama of your friends. Would you add static and ugly things you can not even understand? Would you listen to someone saying I HATE YOU over and over? When you create what you listen to, add to your CD the words of faith, the words of peace, what you want to hear, what pleases you.
Then when you see someone hurting, you will know that God will give you whatever it is you need to help them, sometimes it is only a prayer or a hand to hold on to.

..whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy-keep thinking about these things. Phil 4:8

I also thank God for incredible guitar players! I can just meld into the music as I meditate for some peace.

He raises me up to be more than I can be!

Loving Linda by shell | Make Your Own Book

This book has been made available for Linda. 100% of the proceeds go towards Linda's medical needs.

The Path to New Beginnings- Walking Now

2011-04-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

We extended the path quite a bit!!


We have a gate!

"Like this Papa?"

My incredible husband woke up with the chickens Saturday morning. He got up and headed out with his cup of coffee and finished building me a gate to the new path. My path is complete and ready for walking. I have been looping it every day since! I have had the pleasure of walking it with friends and most delightfully with my children, who are anticipating all the fun things we may do together in the near future.

I know I may seem a bit obsessive, like this is all that has been on my mind lately, but in reality it is more like I am extremely excited. The moment the sun came out and I started walking more, my health improved drastically. Perhaps it is the sunny weather and the great walking, but it really doesn't matter, what matters is that we have worked so long and hard for this and we have been able to see it to fruition.

First day walking the path and the sun was nowhere to be found.

God heard my cry and we never gave up on believing. We are not contractors, we have no tools or know-how; we aren't even ranchers, or country people. We are musicians and computer geeks! We didn't have the funds but we were guided by our faith each step of the way. A dear friend directed us towards the Dirt Movers, who helped us with everything and were very patient with us (as discussed in installment 1.) We did have some help from a contracting friend in reversing our gate, but Tracy was the man!!

God showed us ways to make it happen, one step at a time. My husband is the most generous, loving and kind man. I tried to walk the path and Smok'em left us presents along the way. Worried that my walker might get stuck (:giggle:) my wonderful husband was out there scooping manure. Now, I call it manure, you might call it manure but my computer programming husband calls it POOP! ;)

The Crew

The views are amazing but obscured by an overcast sky. Again, I believe God was keeping it cool for me on my first few treks! The sun came out yesterday and we had a lovely sunset stroll with friends. Oh, I am starting to tear up. Who knows what will be next!

YES, it seems obsessive, I guess, but it is nothing short of a miracle for me. This is my last installment of blogging on our "Path Saga." Thank you for taking it with us.

I am literally signing off this thing to go "Take a Hike!"
shell

The Path to New Beginnings Ch2

2011-03-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

The Path, part 2
Well, it looks as though there will be three chapters to this Path saga. We are waiting patiently, (some of us more than others,) for someone to build a gate to the wonderful path. I have walked to the fence line (minus walker) daily but cannot go further until we have a gate.

Hey look at your new toy! Now shell, you can't play with it yet..well poo....yes, that is the feeling.

We need the property fenced in; or our horse and goats will be more free ranging than what is allowed. We really don't want them too close to the house either. We have spoken to a number of folks and we know it will all work out.
I am amped up as all get out and this could be the Lord's gentle way of encouraging me to take it all a little slower than I would like to.

When hiking the trails at Point Lobos, I started to get some side aches. I went to visit my GREAT surgeon at UCSF and asked him if I could have hurt myself with the hikes. He told me "Your kidneys are doing so well, you CANT over do it!" My family worried some, knowing that he must not know me too well.
So for the time being I am on take it slow mode.

Let's see, more great news. Jonathon, our son (one with 2 mothers!) has been cured/in remission of his cancer. We are so ecstatic. We just got the news today. Thank you so very much for your prayers.

It's been one heck of a ride this past year. I am enjoying this new season of bountiful blessings!

Spring is coming, the birds are singing and the abundant croaking frogs are driving me crazy. In no time, I will be walking the path daily. Children are all doing well and excited.

Part three of this story will be the planting of flowers

and taking photographs of the trail and all the little treasures along the way. The path seems to be a little over 1/4 mile, we will measure it this weekend. We have plans to extend it even more; once this hike turns to "beginner level" for me ;)

Financially we are pretty broke. We used up everything we gathered for this path. Even though we are gathering coins to pay for gas, we are far from poor, because we have a love that is immeasurable. We have faith that moves mountains (or builds a path through them.) We have the best of family and friends. We are working on the good health now. We are blessed, oh so very blessed.

We have a lovely property. I pray I can help with the upkeep. It is a great deal of work, but it is such a delight! Sometimes I feel like I live at a National Park.

I might need to paint a mural on this eyesore!

In General:
I am selling photography and doing graphic design, as well as drafting resumes and business plans. I am trying to do my part in making ends meet and then if my health permits, I will reenter the world of the music industry. Time will tell. I am helping start up companies, mentoring, enjoying Bible Study and Community.

I am still working on a few books, attending college (YAY Spring break,) recording some musical projects for charity, part time homeschooling 3 amazing children, being a mama to those awesome children as well as the other 4, and doing everything I can do to spoil my incredible husband.

Thank you for sharing this with me, with us; I pray it inspires you, uplifts your spirits, brings you to a place of prayer, or lets you know that no matter what you are facing, you are loved and in no way, alone.
shell

We extended the path some!

The Path to New Beginnings!

2011-03-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

March 28th 2011
I am so very excited.
So much has happened in just a few short hours.
The day started off with a bit of anxiety. My husband tried to fix our garbage disposal this weekend, yep, not a very good idea. His heart ♥ is in the right place. He is as intelligent as they come; yet, he just has no experience in such matters. I applaud him, especially after he botched his good intentions up some, he chose to call for help!! Now that is awesome :) He is awesome. We have a plumber here this morning. With that said:

The Path

Now, it's a Monday, my husband needs to go to work, a plumber is on their way, my children are all off to school on Mondays and the rain finally stops. The path people "Dirt Works " have chosen to get started as planned. Now, let me say, with all of the flooding, storms etc, we certainly didn't think we would be starting on schedule. We didn't even make provisions for Smoke'em or the goats. Time to get some prayer and meditation in, and a good dose of coffee.

Trace being the kind and considerate husband that he is decided to work from home this morning (computer programmers can get away with that, once in a full moon.)

They started right away and due to us getting the estimate somewhere back in October, we had a few hiccups. It took us this long to save the pennies we needed to make this happen. We sold old musical equipment, saved and begged (no real begging.) We prayed, and prayed.

My health started going backwards this past month. The stormy weather made it very hard to get the adequate exercise needed to keep things rolling forward and I started to get anxious. I have isolated some and knew this path would help things go in the right direction.

I stepped outside and saw that the incline to the top of the property was more than I imagined or talked about. I knew that I must make sure this is "doable."
I asked my friends for prayer. I then talked to the workers and in no time they had it beautiful and perfectly graded to give me a good and healthy climb. SO beautiful in fact that I climbed to the top without my walker! I just did this to test it out, the walker will be needed for awhile. Ok I did it because I was so excited. I was ecstatic! Gee, I still am. I can't contain it. It is soooo beautiful from up there.

There is much more work to be done and I thank you so much for your support.The Dirt-Works folks knew how important this is to us and have jumped on the support wagon completely. They have listened to every detail and applauded every effort and are extremely professional to boot. On time, efficient, reasonable (worked with our budget completely, even waited months for us to get the funds.) We have felt safe and in good hands with Judi and Andre and their crew. More about them later.

One step at a time... Praise God.

As I type this I still hear bulldozing but I am so excited, that I just had to write. There will be a full report soon along with photographs from the top!
Thank you!!!

shell

Looking Back-for a Moment-Living in Today.

2010-12-27T15:40:00.000-08:00

2010- What a year!!

We started off bankrupt!
We started off stranded in Canada--story here in the blogs
Joshua became quite ill--story here in the blogs
Joshua needed and received a double lung transplant-story here in the blogs.
We raised money for Joshua by throwing a wonderful benefit concert in Monterey featuring Phil Keaggy and many other fine artists. In the blogs.
A beautiful Moomp was born.
My son Jon got cancer
My therapist got cancer

I had 2 major surgeries on my kidneys spending weeks at UCSF
My daughter Jen lived with me at the hospital for both stays.
Our 3 little ones started part time on a campus for the first time.
We became part of a project called Adopt-A-Family at church.
My son Ruben got engaged.
My daughter Jen went back to school to become an attorney.
Moomps visit monthly (One of my favorite gifts of 2010.)

I cried out to God last year. My little sister had died and there was

nothing I could do to help her. I now lost two sisters who were destitute and riddled with illness. We couldn't help Joshua or Jonathon, not in the way that we wanted. So powerless, so useless, even started to feel worthless.

I cried out, "Please Lord, at least let us have the means to help others.". We have been blessed with abundance for many years and we always used the abundance to help others. I was so afraid that with the economy, my surgeries, and cars breaking down that helping others would be taken off the table.

I was bass-ackwards in my thinking!

It is out of our nothing that He, My Lord empowered us to help others!

It was never because we had anything, it is because of the willingness to give no matter what.

Folks, He is my strength, His Joy is my strength! If what we are doing makes you think more of me then I am doing something wrong, I want to shout from the rooftops how He is empowering us to help others. It was my plea, it was my prayer (it still is,) and He is answering my call. He loves me and knows that this is the desire of my heart, for He put it there!

No I didn't win the lottery or make nearly enough money this year. He is multiplying our investments of talents.

A group of us made a recording project in my living room. These are talented people, it was a great project.

We have made it available to anyone who wants to listen now that we have reached our goals. Click on the cover to download.

We promoted and sold the CD and we were able to help the one family we signed up to help, and then another, and then another and then we were able to buy blankets and fill them with food vouchers!

It was like the fishes and the loaves, He kept multiplying our nothing into something. God is the only one who can multiply anything by zero and come up with abundance!

Our church was donating to the cause (sponsoring many Adopt-A-Family projects,) from bake sales, women’s ministries etc to all of the participants in this program. In these horrific economically challenging times, they gave from their hearts in abundance!

My dearest friend Lori made all kinds of goodies to ship to her family for the holidays. She couldn't afford the postage, yes folks that is where we are at, but she sold the items and donated to help us!! That is simply amazing!!

Out of her trials she allowed a miracle to happen. I am in awe of her willingness to serve and help others.

I have a young man in my life right now who doesn't believe in modern day miracles. I say to him, "Look, when anyone gets out of themselves for a moment and helps another it is a miracle! " This world is not set up for charity, kindness and love. We fight society to even try!

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas handing out blankets to the homeless and destitute. I did so in honor of my sisters. We all had our own reasons. My 12yr old son says that his heart was broken when he saw a man eating out of the garbage (he was waiting for me during one of my hospital visits.) He says his heart is now warm after delivering blankets and has promised to not let hay fall on the ground, when feeding our horse. The money he saves from wasting hay he wants to put towards a monthly blanket giveaway. We found blankets for $5 and food vouchers for the same. That has become his new ministry.

My husband and I got Pro-Tools and will be making a new jazz/blues project to help our friends who are serving others in Haiti and Cambodia. We will be working hard with Raven's Relief (International) and Artists4Change (USA) in this new year. These are charities I started a few years ago. I never thought to use our music to help. I pretty much quit music. Well, I am back and will be doing some stuff with my husband, Taylor Kropp, Orion Wiliams, Kim "Doc" Mompean, and lets not forget the great Phil Keaggy and Troy Luccketta. Who knows who will be involved, but I am certain you will be hearing all about it.

I am loving my life right now. It is everything I ever dreamed of. We have been through hell to get here and I am certain more hard times are ahead, but we do it together, we conquer in love, we be the best we can be and empower others to do the same and we do it all because God gives us the ability, resources, means and desire.

Without God, I am a very different me...and well, that is a whole other story and it isn't very pretty!!

Look out 2011 Here we come!

Happy New Year from the Lucckettas!!

'Tis a New Season

2010-10-12T11:46:00.000-07:00

It's a new season for sure.

This past one has been longer than most well traveled winters. Looking to the Word of God for wisdom I see that there is a time of mourning where we wear our mourning cloth and a time for it to be removed.

In my season of mourning we lost many people we loved, saw bankruptcies, people losing homes and had a son with cancer, one moving here and fro, hospitalizations at every side of us, including my own. The challenges have been fierce, yet we are not defeated!

Psalm 30:11 (King James Version) ¹¹Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;

It has been 2 years November since I lost my little sister. Although I have been through many challenging trials in my life, many of them trials of my own making and many of which I have no fault, my sister's death has been one of the hardest trials I have lived through. I have kept myself so extremely busy, one might not have seen the pain I have been dealing with.

Coming out of these ashes, is a new, stronger and excited woman.

I get distracted from God's purpose for me often, most often by things going well in my life.

I had a friend ask me earlier this week what she could join me in prayer for. I immediately knew the answer.

" Please, pray for me as this new season begins, that I not be distracted by the shiny things of things going my way!"

Trials often bring me closer to God, knowing that is the only place where I can find my hope, peace and strength. My prayer is to look upon Him in all moments even those of joy, happiness and completely with the wonderful energy I feel with good health!

OK, I am putting this out there!

I have been called to write an autobiographical book and now I have been assured that I should do something with my music (albeit I am not entirely convinced regarding the music, but... I am leaving the door open.) I am an older woman who has seen many things come to full circle and it is clear to me that I have not followed through on some very important things. I have been approached regarding this book for an awful long time and my professors and publisher friends have reinforced the calling, time and again. I am constantly distracted by the "shiny objects" of helping others for immediate gratification instead.

I am in constant belief that God has given me my experience, strength and hope to help others and that is where my distraction has been. He does want me to help others but I get caught up in "shiny" crusades and causes. He has called me to do some very specific things (like finish the book to be used to help others.) The book and music seem to me, at times, as narcissistic because they are writing and delving deeper into ME. Then someone will call and it will be about them and oh how much more comfortable I am there. Yet, I know without a single doubt that my God has called me to do this very thing that appears narcissistic.

How do I put all these amazing causes on hold when I am completely able to provide service to them? My health is getting better, I can better serve!

I am called to STOP (Yikes!!) I am called to seek His peace in the singing of the birds, not the chatter of words saying "well done."

I want to prepare my mind to serve Him like I have never done before.
I want to prepare my Spirit to serve others the way He has intended.
I want to prepare my body to do things it has only dreamed of doing.

I am a wife, to such an amazing man of God, filled with music, laughter and love, with whom I have dragged with me on every one of my tangents.

I am a mother to many, who have implored me to make them more of a focus of my energies and creativity.

I belong to a wonderful church that have supported me and blessed me beyond measure.

I am a member of a group that has saved my life and kept me sober for 20 years. I have had to take this semester off from my studies due to the surgeries I needed and perhaps this allows me the time to finish my writing.

This is enough for me-it is complete-It is my life.

The cloak has been removed--the prayer request has been made--I am off into my day to dance to the music He has put forth--

Join me!!

Thanks Jen for taking this journey with me, for being part of the globe of light that we carry , for praying away the demons that haunt from the past conquering them as they have no sting in our today! Thank you for holding my hand in the hospital, breaking every comfort zone threshold but knowing that no other heart nor hand would have mattered the same. Thank you for being you, while helping me be the me I need to be. I love you more than words can express. We have arrived in this new season, together, triumphant!

Oh Happy Day!! I want to sing this like this someday!

A Lil Diddy we did at the "Special Friends" Benefit Concert

Fear and the Fantastic Community

2010-09-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

Keaggy, shell, Joshua and Taylor

Special Friends!

The Special Friends Concert in Monterey CA, September 16th was an amazing time for all! I know I should have written about it then because the time was chock full of fun and excitement.
I was just "flying too high" to post and then immediately had to get into the"prepare for another trip to UCSF mode"

I am listening to a wonderful CD by Phil Keaggy right now. Phil Keaggy I love him now more than ever. He gave so unselfishly to this show and to my friend Joshua.

If I have the courage, I might post a little video of what he said about me. I am getting all giddy like a little girl just thinking about it.

Phil Keaggy

The Special Friends show wasn't about me though, yet I was touched and moved beyond words....The show wasn't even about Joshua Mompean (the benefactor) although he was touched, moved and benefited. The show was about Community helping one another, not because of worth, or duty, or about any good works, it was all about the Grace of God! It was about all of us coming full circle together in reconciliation to help someone who needed us. We can all do this, wherever we stand, no matter our circumstances. So many moments of this show were a monumental phase in many of our lives. It was a testimony to not give up, nor give in, especially in the face of constant obstacles and fear.

Pieces of my tale include:

25 years ago I was ministering in Christian music. As a guitarist/songwriter/vocalist, I played at churches, jails and youth rallies. I eventually was playing on the TV and radio. I particularly liked going to children's homes and orphanages to spread hope and joy. I came from a turbulent home and my persona reflected it for many years but it wasn't who I was on the inside and I enjoyed sharing that once I knew Christ. When I became a Christian I was 19yrs old surrounded by a chaos that you will read about in my upcoming autobiography. I completely left the old world behind and started anew. I chose to be a servant immediately and tried my hardest as a mother, wife, Christian School teacher, musician and counselor. I tried to be a "good" girl.

Somewhere, I missed the biggest part of the truth...the part where God loves us unconditionally and it wasn't by my behavior or choices that Christ loved me, it was because HE was awesome! I thought it was by what I did and that is would all be taken away if I was "bad." I lived a very judgmental life, especially of myself.

I had my first breast cancer scare while in a little band called "Heartsong." I thought God was mad at me. He had just taken my mom away from me, she died of cancer and my Nonnie had just had breast cancer. Crazy thinking, but I flew off the deep end. There was nothing I could do to be good enough and now I knew it. So off I went into a self will run riot routine.

I met a remarkable man named Kim "Doc" Mompean who had a little boy named Jacob and little boy named Joshua. Joshua was very sick with Cystic Fibrosis. Doc was going through a very rough time. He loved God and he was an amazing guitarist. He loved Phil Keaggy and always went on about him, as well as a local guitar hero named Atomik Tommy (formerly of UFO.) Doc and I instantly started working together, writing, recording, and I started moving faster and faster away from my calling as a Christian Musician. We did some Christian things, a youth rally here or there, a little TV show now and then and then in '88 recorded a small demo. I even gave the producer a Bible. I was still holding on to my ministry by a thread.

FEAR, lack of community and relationship with my church and more fear had me wrapped in an insane abyss. I abandoned my family, friends and my God. Long live rock and roll and a band named Gentle Rose and hello living hell in my head!

Two years and a bunch of wreckage later I came back to my home, my home in Christ. How could He love me after all I did? My marriage of many years disintegrated due to my selfishness, and I was off to a whole new start. My incomprehensible demoralization was proof that I wasn't anywhere near "perfection."

I have continued to not be perfect on a daily basis.

It's been a long road learning about Grace, unconditional love and my greatest teacher has been my husband.

Now, 20 years have passed. I live in Grace, hope and healing.

I worked in the music business in management and networking until I became too sick to be of any help to anyone. Recently, God chose to use the talents and tools I learned in those years to help that little boy named Joshua who was now 25 years old.

He had to have a double lung transplant.

You can always donate at COTA for Joshua!

Joshua and his wife moved in with us to be closer to Stanford Hospital while he was preparing for his transplant. It was so hard to watch his health fail and fall deeper and deeper. His wife showing the unconditional love that I had experienced with my husband. We all became closer and they became much closer with God.

We have an amazing home church who have supported Joshua and Breanna in many ways. Never any questions asked or any guidelines to be met, just loved and supported. Tracy and I played a few songs at their annual picnic. These days I normally do not perform at all but I could sit in my walker/chair and sing for them.

I met a young band named Random Status, (who were also playing at the little church picnic,) I heard some of the greatest guitar work I had ever heard (and if anyone knows me they know guitarists are my specialty!) One thing led to another and I was honored to become a mentor to a young guitarist named Taylor Kropp. He kept mentioning his favorite guitar players and PHIL KEAGGY kept coming up. The very guitarist that was Doc's hero. I wanted to show him that if he can dream it, we can make it happen in Christ, for I believe that our visions of hope come from Him! That coupled with needing to do something for Joshua turned into this amazing challenge.

A concert called Special Friends was born!

I wanted God to be there, to bless everyone and to reconcile hearts astray. I wanted His power to overtake the auditorium, if not the city, state or anyone with ears to hear with His amazing love and Grace. He came in full glory!

I wanted to include Phil Keaggy because he seemed to be a common denominator among all the guitarists and he loved God so very much. I contacted his management and they in their amazing servant-hood agreed to help with this show. I hadn't even known at the time that Tommy had seen him when he was just a young man over 30 years ago!

Troy and Tracy Luccketta

I wanted the man that I love, Tracy Luccketta there because he is amazing. I fell in love with him as he wrote songs for me 17 years ago :) He wrote one of the theme songs for Joshua called "Catch My Breath" (which is phenomenal.) He teaches me daily about unconditional love.

I wanted Doc there to benefit his son, to make my amends to him and to make one of his dreams come true.

Tommy and Phil

I wanted Tommy there because he is one of the best I have ever heard, if not THE very best.

Taylor Kropp-One of the Best of the Bests!

I wanted Taylor's dream to come true.

I wanted Joshua to know I love him more than anything and that a whole community loves him and supports him (he had a time he felt so alone.)

Joshua

We of course wanted to make money to help Joshua live! (We did , we made over $9000.00 for COTA for Joshua.)

Doc, Tommy, Kevin Bell, Troy, Tracy

Troy and nephews and niece

The volunteers came from everywhere. My husband's brother Troy Luccketta (Tesla) flew in from Nashville offering his amazing talents as a percussionist as he opened up so many media doors for us! My Doctor, who I credit with saving my life Dr. Rosett played his Chapman stick! My best girlfriend Lori Mylander danced and danced...ohh that made me so happy.

God Ol UCSF

I was dealing with so much at this time. The evil forces tried so hard to stop the miracle. My son got cancer, and became very sick from chemo, I had surgery at UCSF, my shrink who I needed so badly got cancer himself! Everywhere we turned there were challenges and hardships but the community and network of amazing friends never let go, never stopped praying, never stopped loving and never stopped helping.

The concert hall was filled with such amazing people.Phil Keaggy was a dream.

He liked me ...

I guess the singing in me never died...

Tommy showed up and said "You are singing aren't you?"...uhhh no..."but you must"..I walked away saying...that isn't gonna happen... Then Troy arrived... "you are singing aren't you?." uhh no.... "You must, you have to, you ARE.." My friend Lori then says she will dance if I sing.... ok, I will fib to her and get her onstage and then bow out....
Then, Mr. Keaggy heard me singing along with him while working during sound check.... he says "You will be coming up here and singing with me right?" OH dear Lord, what are you doing?

I sang.

Full circle for me. A long time ago Albert Collins called me and asked me to sing with him and I became to frightened because I no longer looked like I did while on stage in the 90s. It was for his very last album, before he died. I was honored to get lyrics on the album but he called saying "shell you gonna come sing with me?" in a southern drawl to die for and I said "Sure Albert" but I never arrived. I have regretted it terribly.

I almost robbed myself, again, of a chance of a lifetime due to fear. The prayers and comfort, support of my loved ones and community held me up. I hold strong to them today.

I try so hard to teach others to not be afraid, make your dreams come true, BE the miracle in your life...and still on a daily basis God is teaching me that very lesson...every single day.

UCSF next week, one more kidney to go and then look out world ;)

I love my Special Friends!!
shell

Old School Doc and shell

A Room With A View

2010-08-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

A Room With A View (Inside and Out!)

They moved my date for surgery so many times that I didn't believe it when they called. They informed me that there was a cancellation and asked me if I would be available in a few short days for surgery. It all happened so fast and furious. We were blessed that we had previously prepared many times for the hospital stay that we had somewhat of an idea what we needed to do.

The variables changed considerably and as if there wasn't enough stress, I was spun in circles.

I was to have the preoperative appointment on Monday and Surgery Tues. Were we going to stay overnight? What about the children? My husband made enough phone calls to UCSF and used all the previous pre-op appointments as his argument and got everything set for a one day deal.
Was I ready for that? I had Surgery and Pre-Op set for the following Tues. 8am SF.

But but but...

My adorable children were starting out of home school for the very first time and I was going to miss it.
My children attending this school is such an exciting opportunity. I will still home-school them 2 days a week and they will attend a co-op charter school filled with wonderful children for 3 days a week. They will have the freedom and opportunity to socialize and learn with children their age and be surrounded by amazing teachers that I have watched for many years.
How will they get settled? They have been so nervous but I assured them that I would be there for them. Now I will be having surgery instead. We went school clothes shopping and I got as involved with them as I could. I personalized all of their belongings with little artistic nuances that would help them remember that I am there in spirit with them.

The day I left for surgery I added little hearts to their hands to hold while I was gone. Zaya drew mine..he made it black and blue, having no idea what it normally stands for. It was the first heart I had ever seen him draw. He usually sticks to dinosaurs and lizards.

My husband, my absolute amazing husband, is an incredible father, husband, employee, minister, musician, but the man is NOT a homeschooling mother! He will be so out of his elements and honestly he will only want to be with me in the hospital the whole time he is being mommy.
To prepare, I was making erase board charts of things he needed to do. I sorted the children's clothes by day because some days they would be at school, some days with a sitter and others home-schooled by a frazzled father. We never had to deal with school lunches, snacks and the like and here he was doing it all by himself.

Lord, help, please, help.... was the only prayer I could manage. I would look at my books, Bible, telephone, computer and couldn't gather my thoughts, wishes or prayers. I knew I could be at peace with this being the end of my journey, but I could not be at peace with who would take care of my children, my husband, my friends. When did I become hero? and not servant? Somewhere in all of this I lost sight of the power that has sustained me through it all. Fear, the ugly monster that conquers so many of us had a hold on me.

I cried out, Lord help me. Out of the mire my wonderful therapist called. (He is in stage 3 of lung cancer, his 3cm tumor growing at a rapid rate to 9cm.We are praying that in Sept. the scans will show us that his cancer has shrunken drastically or has even disappeared!)

He told me that I was one of the chosen that he will work with at this critical time of his life. Perhaps it's because he knows how crazy I am, or it is because in our relationship we help each other walk through the journey. I prefer to believe it is because of the latter.

He walked me through many of my fears, the very day before I was to be admitted. He shared with me how his daughter had died of cancer 30 yrs or so ago and while she was dying she was so afraid of what would happen to her little children. Her church, her parents, her friends and loved ones rallied about her and her children and lifted them up daily in prayer and today those children are incredible people surrounded by love.

I looked around me and saw all the wonderful people helping my husband and I. I see how they have stepped up to take care of our children, our home, and even a wonderful friend took on helping take care of our horse! Everywhere we looked God's people surrounded us with love, care and compassion. Could they fix all that ail us? HA no, but they can comfort, guide, and pray.

I had refused myself and my family this type of support for so long.

Lord, please help me...

My dearest friend of more years than I want to count, showed up at my house with his wife and walked us through so many fears. I felt so relieved and loved, not just by them, but by God.

My dear friends and cohorts working together with me on the "Special Friends" benefit picked up the whole challenge and ran towards victory through every challenge, much more capable and able than I.

Our wonderful Pastor and lovely wife came to visit. They both had gone through so many health hurdles this past year and shared them as well as all their triumphs and wonderful stories of new grand-babies laughter and love. They provided much comfort, prayer and above all love.

My daughter started her drive from San Diego to SF. Now I know how God will help Trace. God knew Jen would "have my back."

Lord, Help me.... Can you see? In a matter of 24hours, He did help me, every step of the way... through YOU. Through your love, prayers, kindness and help.

Who was going to take care of it all??
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phil. 4:6

I have such a hard time handling help. I am stubborn and prideful. Calls and e-mails started coming in from everywhere and I didn't know what to say. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and concern. I didn't know how to embrace it. My father even called and I had no idea what to say. I stammered and tripped over my words and he hung up not knowing much more than before he called.

My mother died when I was young and my family wasn't much on educating each other about health issues and how to cope with death and dying. Sickness pretty much became a scarlet letter to those who wore the shame of bad health.

It is something we can not always control, fix or remedy by healthy behavior, contrary to what I was taught.

Joshua is doing much better.

We have the victory of healing, yet illness is not defeat!

Loving Joshua and seeing how he walks through it all has helped me so much. His legacy is: With every single added breath that God has graced him with, he wants to give honor and glory to God. He still walks through fear, doubt, confusion but we walk through it together.

TOGETHER!! That is the clue! Are you sick? Frightened? Please do not face it alone. There is no need to. God has so graciously given us each other.There is nothing to be ashamed of. We have victory even in our challenges not just at the end of the race, but all throughout it!

To teach my little ones about Joshua's Double Lung transplant surgery, we made a life-sized drawing of the human body and drew the organs and showed everything that had to happen. When it came time for my kidney surgery we were able to show them what we had to do and explain to them anesthesia (best we could.)


My Support Team in Pre-Op, someone is sleeping....

Trace's response to us picking on him in his sleep

We have worked hard on teaching our youngest children coping skills but my fear and isolation techniques were passed on to my eldest daughter. I didn't want her to come, to watch me, to even see me with an IV. I wanted to protect her.


Jen added this tattoo in pre-op

Can you see Jen's little touch?

I was terribly wrong! She deserved to process however she needed to. I wasn't protecting her I was boxing her in with her fears, fears of the unknown. God knew how this was so very important to me and drew her closer to me in every step. She rose to the occasion like the mighty woman that she is. She took to the ocean and trees a few times to regroup, pray and heal and then came back to my hospital room and had me laughing more than I had in years. I had no shame, finally after all these years and she had nothing but admiration and love. We were going to be okay. My husband was surrounded by loving and caring people and my children were being pampered beyond belief.

My surgery was a success. Yes, we had some challenges and some days were rougher than others but it was a success! I go back in a month to do the other kidney but as a new woman.

Mamma's coming home

The surgery itself was not the most healing part of this journey. Sharing it with those I love was/is. I owe it to my family and friends to include them in my journey. We love each other and I would expect nothing less from them, from YOU!

Together, we can do all things in Christ who strengthens us.

Thank you.
shell

Hugs and Kisses-Thanks

Plan the Plans Not the Results

2010-08-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

I am a bloggified mess right now. I have oodles of things to get in order but needed to clear some head-space. I have found that writing in my blog helps me do that as well as giving me an opportunity to shine God's light on any of the darkness that tries to creep into my days.

We need your prayers. My children don't handle my discombobulation too well. My 11yr old son neglects to weigh the horses food and kind of goes on auto pilot, then I get on him, then he feels worse and before you know it, we are a pile of feeling poopy!

Our three youngest children are starting school away from home next week. It will be their first time. I have been homeschooling them for years and this year they will be in a combination home school/on site charter school. It is very exciting, yet they are very nervous.

I might not make it this fall semester for school, although I am registered and have all my classes.

We have been working around the clock trying to get this benefit concert going for Joshua. We have been contacting radio stations, setting up car washes, contacting newspapers, anything to get the word out and sell tickets.Of course we have been trying to do a balancing act between doctors, kids and the benefit, never mind church, friends and everything else. We had been hoping that we could get this surgery out of the way and move forward, especially with the concert coming up.They canceled the surgery, rather rescheduled it now 3 times, each time the level of surgery getting more advanced.

Last night we got the call, the surgery has been scheduled for Sept 14th, two days before the concert. ::cry:: That is just mind boggling.
We are so excited because we are in great hopes that years of ailing health will get better and we are under such great care with so much hope, yet the timing is just.....

I am not in charge, this benefit is not about me, I can plan the plans just not the results. I knew there was a huge chance I wouldn't make it to the show, but I just wouldn't let it sink in.If you haven't bought your ticket yet, contact me or send a check to: COTAforJoshuaM
PO Box 551
Moss Landing CA 95039
Check it out here: Special Friends
You might want to check out the amazing restored theater. It is really a sight to behold:
Golden State Theatre

I have a few weeks to get things in order as well as assimilating my children to school.

Thank you to the many wonderful friends we have. We passionately thank all those who have stepped up as prayer warriors, sitters, car-washers, PR queens and the like. I am as grateful as a woman can be, surrounded by love, fellowship and kindness.

I am just all flabbergasted because things aren't going MY way at the moment ;) I don't get to hear Tommy, Doc, Taylor and Tracy play :( that makes me cry. They are my very favorite guitar players in the world. You really do not want to miss this! I don't get to see Doc play with Phil Keaggy..pout... I do get to help Joshua and that is why God had me do this.

I asked my friend Isaac today "Do you ever find yourself feeling sorry for yourself?" ""If so, what do you do?" As a very intelligent 16 yr old he says "No, I just go with the flow." I was like "Really? " and he said "Yep."

My peace comes from knowing that God's way is perfect.

I want that peace and to receive it, I must align my thoughts and heart with His will and not my desires, knowing that it is all, the good the bad and the ugly, exactly as it is meant to be.

Hurry Up And Wait!

2010-08-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

♪♫ "Hurry up and wait, aint got time to waste." ♪♫

Words to a song I wrote many years ago, that seem to haunt me whenever I get in line or sit in the doctors office. We rush to get to the office, getting children ready, packing the car, zooming through traffic, finding the ever elusive parking spot only to be told "Please, have a seat and we will get to you." I used to rant inside my head "I should charge them for the time I am sitting here! Why do they have me here when they can't keep my appointment on time?"

Well these days I am a little more patient. I try to use the time sitting there to remember who is in charge of this situation!

Phil. 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

A friend brought me some amazing flowers from her garden, and with it came a cute little card that reads,

" Hello, this is God. I will be handling all of your problems and concerns today, that's my job. Your job is to give them to me and then trust me."

What a relief that is!

We have been referred to UCSF and my first appointment was a consultation regarding my case. My friends were extremely encouraging. They would tell me how God is holding me gently in his hands and that they were praying. They reminded me that I am much better off than I was last week because I am going to be at one of the best hospitals with the best care. I am glad that I decided to let them peek into my situation. I had been robbing myself of their comfort for many years.

We had a very early appointment in SF and we rushed to get everything done. The rush was normal but we were very grateful because we were told we wouldn't be able to get into UCSF until Sept. and here we were, the first of August. The drive to SF was a bit too quick for my liking. I so wished we were heading to the Academy of Sciences or to the theater! We arrived at UCSF and it reminded me very much of UCD where Joshua spent most of his childhood. I thought of him often during this trip. His incredible strength and courage were a constant boot for me, reminding me that what I am going through is a band-aid problem compared to his ordeal. The hospital seemed to be everywhere, a small city within a city, with people bustling everywhere. It then reminded me of UCLA where, years ago, I was part of a Breast Cancer High Risk program. Wow, those doctors knew what they were doing and I was educated more there than in a lifetime of doctors appointments. Fear often gets squelched (in my life) with knowledge. I started to get excited about what I might learn among these highly intelligent individuals.

A parking spot opened up, right in the front for us, right as we drove up. The elevator was easy to find and within minutes we were in the Urology department. We didn't wait long. In the few moments we sat there I was thinking how wonderful it was that a dear friend had the children overnight. I was comforted knowing that they would be having the best of times playing with her three children. This was all running so smoothly.

There I was, sitting in the examination room, this handsome young child /man walks past, and my husband says,
"Hey that is Dr. ____." I am like "Hell no! No "Doogie" for me."

We started laughing so hard, making jokes and all of a sudden, "Doogie" walks in. We clam up in an instant and my mind starts racing. He addresses himself as my doctor's assistant and he starts sharing the ins and outs of my body, knowing them more than anyone I had seen so far. This guy was on fire! His eyes were so gentle and he was very kind. I was blown away and was ready to offer my surgeries up to him in a hot flash (:giggle: Hot flash!) He educated us (literally) for quite some time and my mind is still reeling from all the hope and encouragement I got from him.

"Doogie" leaves the room and my husband and I start playing around again, laughing about "Doogie" and how awesome he was. We were joking and laughing so hard I think we might have offended folks down the corridor, I hope not. I just know it sure felt better to laugh than any of the other feelings we had been feeling as of late!

My surgeon walks in with eyes so intense, yet gentle, I climbed right into his trusting care. He was amazingly kind, caring and intelligent. He's the director and has enough degrees to impress the unimpressed. Knowledge of this greatness does not need to be rude nor mean and he was living proof of that! He walked us through everything and was more complete than even "Doogie." He had no concerns except that he will have to do both kidneys separately. He did find other assorted things to deal with but had no fears whatsoever! He also made certain to say that once I was admitted they will address all of my issues ::tear up:: I have so much hope!

So, my new best friend, informs us that we need immediate attention and the "girls out front" will schedule the surgeries (They can do them in full swoops at UCSF instead of 5 pre- operative appointments then surgery!)
We get out front and she informs us (quickly I might add,) that they can't squeeze us in until September!!

♪Hurry.....up and wait....

She then tells us that he has constant cancellations and that we are on that list and they may contact us at any time.We hope they call us today!

With my "hurry up and wait" I always get discombobulated because I am rushing to do something I really don't want to do.

Thank you very much!

shell

Prayer Needs

Jonathon (20) --that is chemotherapy is a success in eradicating his germ cell cancer. Better health.
Joshua (26) his health, his financial needs and housing situation, his family, his upcoming benefit concert and his ministry.
Jen-New job, new roomates
Ruben-Moving? New job-New home
Little ones-Start school this month. Guidance, direction, peace.
Doc and Heather Mompean-The birth of their son in Sept/Oct. Good health and all that is good.
David Mompean-Surgeries performed easily, effectively and for comfort and peace.
Me-all the above, all of our children, my adoring husband, school/fall semester starting up, surgery, concert
All of my friends who have recently lost their jobs, homes, parents. It has been a tough time for many.
Please, remember to reach out to someone today. It makes everything so much easier, for all concerned.

Here is a song Tracy wrote for Joshua. It also has a slide show of some of my favorite photography. God has used this to remind me of all I am grateful for. I am so very blessed. Catch My Breath-Tracy Luccketta

Butterflies Sneaking Inside

2010-07-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

Beautiful butterflies. How blessed we are.

I was supposed to have surgery today and another one was scheduled for Monday, but our doctors didn't believe we could move forward safely here and have have moved my case to UCSF.

Surgeries have been canceled a few times now and I am not getting used to it in the least. The preparation/preop/sitter-finding/processing info rigmarole is intense.

When all is said and done, we have arrived at the best solution for our situation. It's just that we have been through so many hoops and hooplahs to get where we stand.

I really didn't want to talk about it, or deal with it in the least. I thought if I wrap myself in Joshua's "Special Friends" benefit I would be OK. I aced my finals and that was a nice positive note but we have been through so much drama and challenges this past week and we are headed for more.

The enemy tried to tell me many years ago--'Look God has abandoned you, look at all this around you.' I believed the lies and was wrapped in fear. I ran to "self will run riot" and it was much too long before I came home.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have fears and doubts and crazy thoughts in my head but then God sends me a message saying He has it all under control. He loves me and although my husband is an amazing knight in shiny armor (You really should have seen him this week at the hospital! Look out!) he is powerless over these situations. He does look mighty cute in the suit though ;) God has all power and wants the best for me.

My son walked in today with a gift. He has been hugging me unusually tight the last few days. I asked him, after each hug,

"Now son, how did you know that I needed that hug so badly?" and he would respond "My God told me!"

Oh I could melt in those hugs. Today he walked in the house with this amazing gift in his hands. A lovely butterfly.
I can't get out to the butterflies right now but God, through those that love me, can bring the butterflies to me. I want to bring the butterflies to those who need them too. We can't fix the problems, or heal other's hurts but we can love them and comfort them.

It reminded me of my last post about Butterflies and Buddies and that not everything is all "Hunky dory for the Jesus Freak." God didn't say my life would be easy, but that he would hold me, comfort me, love me and send me butterflies to make it easier.

I wanted to share that with you because you might, at times, think God has abandoned you. A scripture comes to mind, written by King David :

Psalm 13:1 -6
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

(emphasis mine)

I will sing unto the Lord for He has been good to me!! I am blessed beyond measure and still loved even when things don't go my way.

I pray my hardship, big or small, is used to encourage you, edify you, help you in anyway. Then of course it is all worth it!

God bless you,
shell

Butterflies and Buddies Aside

2010-07-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

Emotional Trauma and Drama

I have been blessed to enjoy butterflies, buddies, music and oceans full of color. I love sharing the joys, triumphs and excitement that life offers, sometimes in the midst of turbulent times.

Today is the birthday of my youngest sister Cathi, who left this earth just a few years ago. I miss her terribly and long for her presence. This is a difficult time of year for me. I lost a dear friend, Dan, July 14th 2002, I miss him so. I wish I had his wisdom, and expertise at this time.

After losing my sister I started seeing a wonderful therapist and friend Dr. Don Phillips. I could sure use his wisdom and guidance at this time but he is using every ounce of life and strength he has right now to face stage two lung cancer. Please pray for him.

I now count on you, my friends and family.

Dr. Don just had a great sermon his "Last Will and Testimony"
I kept saying to myself, "NO! He can't die! I need him, how will he help me process all this craziness? How?" I know that sounds selfish but it is exactly how I felt. Well, he had been helping me all year, guiding me to the greatest counselor, lover of my soul, Jesus. I never had a fear or problem that Dr. Don didn't pray for. He showed me the way to handle anything was to trust in the love of Christ!
What a legacy to leave behind.

The Now and How, the Fear and Wow

This upcoming week is challenging. I have finals (summer courses,) Joshua's PSAs for the benefit we are holding for him and his wife and preparation for an upcoming surgery I am having next week.

I get frightened that I can't handle it all. I get wrapped up in the what ifs, what if nots, why this or that. My biggest fear is that I won't do it right.

My husband is my dearest friend and he tries so hard to encourage me, console me and to bless me. He is such an amazing friend and prayer partner. Yet, I seem to detach from him and my friends during time of fear. My tolerance for kindness gets out of whack.

The past 2 months have been insane. I had passed gallstones and kidney stones and the pain was excruciating and immobilizing. The great thing about the pain (insane huh?) is that it led to many tests which found other little doo dads to deal with. Currently I have a few kidney stones the size of marbles (2cm) that need to be removed. There was also a cyst in the right kidney and I am not sure what is going on with that. Surgery of this nature is usually not very dangerous but with my health it can be. We had other options and many variables that had us chasing our tails for a month, all the while I was fighting taking any pain medicine.

July 8th I celebrated 19years drug and alcohol free. Most people know that I am a raging alcoholic and sobriety is is gift from the heavens to all those around me ;) I had 10 years sober a little over 20 years ago and after some lovely cough syrup with codeine I found myself once again on the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle. I had about a year and a half of incomprehensible demoralization!

Here I was once again faced with a situation that called out for a narcotic. I have had many surgeries since my sobriety but I had stayed away from all pain medications. This kidney pain is a bear!

Illness, death, and sadness are the enemies tools to distract me from His Grace.

My son's grandmother passed away a few weeks ago and he missed holding her by 1/2 an hour due to his flight being delayed. He was devastated and very concerned for me at the same time. While visiting grandma in the hospital, his brother Jonathon was admitted in the hospital where they found a tumor in his esophagus and around his enlarged heart. Jonathon is currently in the hospital getting chemotherapy to battle germ cell cancer. How can I be there for my children? There is so much conflict, pain and confusion.

How do I bounce around with the butterflies and buddies? How can I be the sunshine of summertime to my children excited about summer? Grumble, groan.

My Joshua.

Joshua Mompean, my inspiration, my mentor, a love closer to my heart than imaginable teaches me how.

Feel the heal! Trust the Lord with all your heart and might. Be the very best you can be today, in this moment in this now. Where can you find the beauty? Magnify it? Share it? Create it? Be it?

Joshua just had a double lung transplant and 2 subsequent surgeries afterwards, (due to complications.) He has now ridden an 18 mi. bike ride to raise money to help others only 3 months out! He is staying bedside with the family of a young lady named Amanda who just had a double lung transplant herself, to pray with them, encourage them, help them!

We are holding a benefit for Joshua and Bree because they can't even pay for groceries. The government cut off Bree's unemployment. She had to stay hospital side with her husband, for goodness sakes! Bree has already got a job and Josh is also considering looking for work as well as speaking on a CF Panel and speaking at CF Camps.

How can I sit and moan and groan with such hope and life as my inspiration? I am working around the clock to get this benefit self perpetuating before my first surgery August 2nd. I am hoping the second surgery will be after the concert. School will be starting back up and the children and I both need to get ready for that.

Forgive the isolation, the secrets, the evasiveness of my being the past two months. I wish my sister Cathi would have reached out to all of us and let us be there for her. I honor her memory and as a birthday gift I lay it all out on the table.

I believe we are only as sick as our secrets and we are fully empowered by the unity of truth.

How can you help? Please, help Joshua and Breanna. Please. Donations, sell tickets, food, clothing, anything.
Pray for my husband and children.
Pray for my surgeons
Pray for Dr. Don.
Pray for Josh and Amanda
Reach out and help someone today please.
If you don't know Jesus, please ask me and I will be happy to introduce you to Him. If you have walked away from him, please know He loves you, right where you are!

I had a friend say to me recently "You sure have a lot of 'drama' going on in your life!" almost as if she wanted to run, as if I had a terrible contagious disease.

Yes, I have a lot going on, but if it gives God his glory and shares with you His miracles then it is worth every moment of it all.

Happy Birthday Cathi! I miss you.
Dan, I wish you were here to help with this concert!
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Tear Drops & Rain Spells

2010-01-13T18:56:00.000-08:00

Forgive the rambling that is about to take place. Wait, that is what this is for right? I still don't understand the concept of blogging but I enjoy reading them.

We made it home from our trip to Canada, God being glorified and gratitude being our focus. Our Suburban is still in Canada but we are still trying to decide whether we will bring it back home. This was the year of dying cars, dishwashers and washer and dryers. Someone gave us a car and we are very blessed.
School was out for me but the children still needed to get back to school. We had used their vacation for the trip. Since I homeschool the children, my vacation was cut short some, although without the deadlines of my own school work.

I found myself becoming obsessed with getting the house "Spring Clean" ready. My son Ruben watched the house for us while we were on holiday, yet he is still a very young man and my house.. well.. it needed some deep cleaning.

I also found myself surrounded by people I love. God seemed to be bringing all kinds of people over for loving, playing and having a good time. People were visiting and some even blessed us with gifts for the children. Things were looking up, we were able to see some clearing ahead. It was apparent God was shining hope on some of our financial concerns, yet I was still obsessed with cleaning. I found myself barking at my children because things were not in order. We would get one room in order and I would be pleased. Then I would run to another room (where to me it seemed as if there was chaos,) and I would immediately get to work on it. I would work out in the morning, hit meetings as often as I could, help people, try and paint, write and stay busy, busy...busy

Things were looking up, surrounded by love and often laughter but I was churning deep inside. I was becoming more frustrated, frightened, even angry. I was watching Josh get worse and worse every day. I stayed busy, I tried not to notice. I prayed with the children, worked out with Bree, even painted a picture..Please Lord, No...not Josh.... I spoke lightly with Josh and watched a movie with him nightly but he was fading before my eyes. I was overwhelmingly powerless. No matter how many meetings I went to, people I visited, amends I made, pictures I took...it kept eating at me like a terrible disease. I could lighten up about all the challenges we faced in Canada and was sharing it with others, hoping God would use it to help anyone, or everyone...I had surrendered to the powerlessness of that situation.. but not Josh.. not my Josh... maybe if I didn't say anything it wouldn't be so. Would I give it power by speaking it?

The dam was going to burst soon... and it did today.
Today I got mad at Josh. I haven't been upset with him since he was a teenager! He wasn't using a product we have here to help him get better (called Reliv) because he ran out and didn't want to use all of mine because of how expensive it is. He is very sick and needs it and I got mad. He was just trying to be the best person he could be, considerate of our families needs. I cried until my heart was about to burst as he left to go to Stanford. I cried so hard, then I saw my patience with my children grow as if being watered. I remembered something Bree said a few weeks ago in Canada: "shell, you like to clean when you are upset, don't you?" I said "Yes, :laugh: it gives me a false sense of control over a situation that I am completely powerless over.."

Josh has been so sick. I am so powerless. I can't stop crying and I have finally surrendered. I don't want to be mad at anyone. It is such an ugly emotion for me. It really robs me of my usefulness in this life. Some people handle it well and use it to help others but I just can't process it properly. I can't afford the dubious luxury of anger. I didn't yell at anyone, throw anything or hold a tantrum (as you might imagine) but I cleaned and barked. It was as if at anytime I might yell, throw something or have a tantrum. Oh, how uncomfortable that must have made my husband. I am certain I hurt little hearts and although their rooms are spotless, their hearts want their mama's unconditional love. That isn't a way to live.

I was mad... because I am so frightened. I love him beyond words and I don't want him to go home with Jesus. I want him to stay here and experience all the countless things he dreams of.

Who is Josh?

He was doing much better after they moved in. He was doing so well in fact, that he went on a "living" tangent and went to school, traveled, played at the ocean and everything he was missing....everything but deal with the transplant he needed.

Josh at College in an Improv show that was fantastic. For more images check out: http://pottershands.com/improv.html

Josh was admitted to the hospital today. Please pray for him. I pray they can get his vitals back up. He is at only 12% breathing.

We were busy planning a birthday party for him.. His birthday is next Friday.
He will be turning 26 years old.

I need to go hug my kids before they take off to karate

Blessings...

Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be..

2009-12-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

Blogging
I have been encouraged to do this for years and although I enjoy it, I haven't found the gumption to get it started. I am currently taking some courses to help me with my writing. This blogging concept is new to me. I chat non-stop on social networking sites like Facebook and also on my school's message boards.

What Brings Me to This Blog
In a deep a meditation time with God, while in a harrowing experience, I asked him if there was absolutely any purpose for my family and I to be going through some of the challenges we were facing. He spoke to me loudly and clearly--"To give me (Him, God) honor and glory." No, no angels from heaven started to dance and play trumpets, no clouds parted and a booming voice yelled at me, nor did a burning bush appear (although at 13below zero I would have welcomed it!) He spoke to me loudly in my heart, past my rambling non-stop confronting mind.

Experience-Strength-Hope
Health Fears
My family has been facing huge trials this year. I lost my little sister in November of 2008 and life seemed to start tumbling downward. Now, of course it all corresponded with the fall of our economics here in the US, war going like crazy and our troops being sent by the thousands and ugliness all about us.
I didn't fare well after the loss of my sister and during those weeks of her death we had lost 5 friends and family members, many to suicide.
We have an overwhelming amount of love and support from friends, family and church and continued forward as best we could. My children were quite shook up to because they were experiencing death, dying and funerals for the first time in their life. We of course brought the fears and discussions to the Lord, who gives peace and understanding in these regards.
My health has been shaky for a few years and now with the death of loved ones looming about us my children started to worry about me. Again we took their fears to the Lord and I was honest about all the steps we were taking towards better health in my life. Reassuring them because there was nothing to fear.

My dear friend Josh was getting much more ill as he has been a CF survivor since birth and now needs a double lung transplant. He has moved in with us to be closer to Stanford and for the spiritual and moral support we offer him. My children have been around his oxygen, tubing and endless coughing and often choking. My best friends have been sponsoring him on a supplement that has greatly helped his life. It is called Reliv. I have been taking it for years now and it is what we credit for my much better health. I was able to get off of 20 medications because of it and Josh has delayed his transplant a few months. It is an amazing product but very expensive.
We couldn't support him, nor sponsor him. We are so blessed with the help of loved ones because we knew it was the best thing for him, but were powerless to help. Thank you my dear friends.

Financial Woes
We had a lovely home, with nice cars, animals and good paying work. We have been paying every bill on time for many years, it is part of a program we belong too. Last year things started to fall. We started to use credit cards, and then credit cards to help pay for the credit cards. We watched our home devalue to half of it's worth in nearly a year. Before we knew it everything was upside down. Cars started to break, we used cards to help pay for the repairs. The interest rates alone were enough to frighten anyone as they began to change so drastically.
We went bankrupt.
I was in school and needed get good grades to stay and not have to repay loans immediately. My grades and school work became way to important. My relationships got left to the wayside some.

I was bedridden some years ago, for many years and I watched how God used it all for his glory and how he brought me back from a seemingly hopeless state to be of use to my fellows and to His glory. This hope and faith has carried me through.

HoHoHo
Christmas is a time to spend with my family. I put the finals of my classes behind me, bankruptcy was underway, no credit cards, nothing to snare us into useless buying. We thought we found a way to save money and still have a fun filled holiday. We own a timeshare that we bought when we got married, many years ago. We have been using it for many years traveling all over. We knew we couldn't get presents for the children this year so we used all the budget for gas money to go to our timeshare to Canada where we could all have a white Christmas and Joshua could have the chance of a lifetime.

It was a rough few days as we found a few challenges along the way but it was so very lovely and we were all together laughing and having fun. We took off on the third day to go see the glorious glaciers. We were 150 miles past Revelstoke and 150 miles towards Golden and our trusty Suburban (which just went through 2 complete and very expensive overhauls,) died on us (pistons popping like popcorn,) on the summit, in 3degree weather. We prayed and whimpered some. We had our phones with us and were able to find a tow-truck in Golden. It's Christmas mind you and everything is closed. We are all hopeful that we can find a mechanic and get back on the road.

We arrive at the mechanic and were informed that we needed a new engine and for 3K we could have one by next week. No rent-a-car places for hundreds of miles in any direction but gee we didn't have the money anyway. One of the mechanics said he could dig a car out of the snow the following day and try to get it running and he would sell it to us. Whimpering commenced.
There was ONE hotel and we could walk to it. It was over $100 a night and I would recommend you sleep on top of the covers. My children played games, laughed and giggled, sang Christmas carols and got so excited because the following day was Christmas Eve. My husband called a man he could have some coffee with and he went out and did that as they prayed for our situation. Thank God for friends of Bill W. I got on my handy-dandy phone and facebooked everyone asking for prayer.

We had to be out of the hotel by 11 and the mechanic was closing at noon and we are so far from anywhere it was ridiculous. My husband headed to the mechanics and I sat with the children. We grabbed the Gideons from the end-table and we read some Ephesians. I find Ephesians comforting. Then my daughter asked to read the Christmas story. I went to Luke and we read about Elizabeth and her miracle as well as the birth of Christ. We prayed, told jokes and laughed. Then Papa showed up letting us know that the car the man was going to dig up didn't happen...but another man showed up to share some coffee with the mechanic and he had a car we could have if we could get it to run. It had been buried under the snow and ice for over a year. We had about an hour left on our room time and that wasn't enough so we had it extended another hour and that still wasn't enough. But, we did get a car! I am still dizzy because of the gas fumes but it got us back to our timeshare.
Bre and Josh had a Christmas dinner ready for us and we all gathered and loved one another and my children rested with a full belly and the excitement of Christmas.
We woke up and had a few hours to celebrate. Papa read from the Bible. We prayed and thanked God for all that we had. The children all had a gift and some goodies and not one of them felt shorted of frustrated in any way. We were able to hold on to our forever tradition of new jammies on Christmas Eve.

That car.. ohh that miracle car got packed up with some of our things. Our huge Suburban packed to the hilt turned into a tiny car with barely enough room for the family. Josh and Bree got my walker and things into their car (with his oxygen tanks, compressor and things he needs to stay alive.) We had to leave behind a bouncing ball and the children's sled. Papa said it was so another child could use it, (that didn't sit too well with the 6yr old :giggle:)

We made it home! That car..that miracle car,- got us home in record time. Mind you we looked like a homeless family, living in our rusted beat up car, overfilled with clothing and such.Yet, every time I looked at it I was so very grateful that we weren't! This year I saw this type of devastation all around us. The children had even set a place at the dinner table in honor of all those hungry in the world, trying not to forget how wonderfully blessed we really are.

The Spirit of Christmas
Our youngest daughter wanted a guitar, but was blessed with a new doll that she loves. My son gave her his little guitar and my husband was so blessed by his actions that he gave the son one of his guitars. These are the blessings that these small hardships bring!

We will make it. It is hard. We are not alone and we can all help each other through it. I am always posting images of great things, for that is what my life is. I rejoice and I praise because that is very real to me. I also feel pain, and frightened, yet encouraged and edified.
I would like to write about it all, the good, the bad and the way we make it through.

Papa is resting and the children are reminiscing.

Thank you for taking this journey with me.

I hope and pray that anything I go through gives Him glory and honor.
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